american idol ramiele malubay's random visit

One random Sunday evening, she dropped by to inquire at The Picture Company MOA. It was a starstruck moment considering that I've been an American Idol viewer since its third season.Haha Nakakatawang experience. Crazy. Sabi ilabas ko daw yung SLR. Nilabas ko naman nanginginig pa.Hahaha

If you're not familiar with her, she's one of last season's AI contestant (with David Archuleta and David Cook as her batchmates). Eliminaed ata sya nung asa top9. :)

stuck on moving on

i had myself believe again in loving or reciprocity like 7 months ago but it was a terrible decision i guess. everybody's like stepping into the bandwagon of having themselves find a new person to share their time with and i am stupid enough to classify my own version of love as an obsession.

this should be written some three months back from now so this entry should be posted last september but i just don't find time to gather everything into a coherent blog entry.

i hate it when somebody's not courageous enough to tell something that he/she'd like to say; whether that word or whatever action could hurt the feelings of that person who's recipient (i cant think of word to use so i used recipient instead) of that rejection or whatever. i hate it when people say that things are better kept unsaid but it should be part of this reality that a person can't improve himself/herself unless he/she is advised on what areas to work on. it can be synonymous or analogous to a person who's on a job search that unless he/she is given an instruction that if he/she haven't receive any call from that employer within a span of one week let's say, then that application is assumed to be unsuccesful.

anybody who's capable of loving is also capable of hurting somebody. anybody who's willing to enter into a relationship should also be opening himself/herself into the possibilities of heartbreak and/or. i am not telling this because i can fall on either any of these two categories but...(things should end up with ifs and buts).

four months have passed but i'm still not courageous enough to move on. i am still this stupid who's expecting a text message for an invite. still expecting for a third time to rework on some things that have not actually ended. wishing that green archer could be flexible enough to be a cupid.

on frames

i had my glasses on when i was third year high school until my 1st sem in college. i didn't stop wearing it because my eye problem was already corrected instead it was broken and i was too shy to tell my mom that i needed a replacement after only 2 months of wearing it. the eye defect or whatever you call it isn't so serious so i thought of not replacing it [until last week].haha anlabo pero my eyesight was better now compared to before.

i love how this new glasses fits to my face. a bit of geeky but not so serious either. so here's how i look with this new glasses and 18 pounds weight loss. i'm only 146 pounds now! seriously!

first

I'm already one year at blogspot but I've only posted around 30 entries. Maybe i was just too happy to write something on this space or i'm just too shy to write what i should have written. Or I'm just innately lazy.

Btw, If I'm gonna write about happy things, then it would just forfeit the purpose of this blog. This is only a tool to release my frustrations and discontentment about life and its purpose. :)

[re]cycle

i've been into a cycle of denying my feelings for the last days. i've been trying to justify that things are happening because i screwed up with words and my actions do not speak for itself. the issues that have been haunting for over a month are still the same old issues that haven't been resolved untiil now. if i'm gonna make a summary of what have i been thinking lately, it will just give me a slap to my face that i haven't completely recovered from frustration brought by extremely expecting for something which is in fact giving me a minute possibility of moving on.

i dont know if this a repeat. this is like giving me a difficult time to process my thoughts. i am having a great time with work and the team i'm working with but i just feel so incomplete and directionless. late night bonding with friends are still not enough. i am still this lonely boy that i was when i decided to create an account here at blogspot. this is not emo though. maybe this is just a release.

blue-colored door

On why I changed URL will just be a part of the past.
I'm opening myself to new possibilities for the month of September. A bit risky but I guess this will be the start of something new. Something blue but not blue-lonely. Blue as a new color perhaps. I hope new doors are gonna open and the number thirteen will still be a lucky number.

photo by: Karla P!
location: San Agustin Museum, Intramuros, Manila
date: 08.08.08

on counting

after the recent break-up with the job that i almost liked - that opportunity in the human resource industry to headhunt a.k.a. snatching the best people in an organization and transferring them for a supposedly better compensation, wider scope of responsibility and advance themselves in another company... i found myself doing the job that i wanted to do but not exactly the way i wanted it to be.

i am doing photography for a living and there have been a lot of changes. it's amusing that i can now sing barney songs, disney songs and i can even make kids laugh. who knows apples and bananas (eypols ind bininis)? i am now groomed into having kids but procreation may not be one of my priority at the moment.

fast forward to two months - i am doing well with the job that i wanted to do (that's how i assess myself so far). but i just can't make myself believe that i'd be doing this forever. maybe and maybe. not that it's about the intensity of the words fickle-minded or ADHD but i just don't know which one to prioritize. i want to do a lot of things and i want to learn more things. I want to take up MBA but it could be deferred until i've gauged the things that i would like to do for a lifetime. photography may still be a passion but... and a lot of buts.

it's better this time that i'm with people who share the same interest in photography. and last night i was able to meet jake verzosa, the photographer! starstuck - i really wanted talk to him personally and my favorite batchmate sooz's friend devised a way to introduce us to him. it's so "sabaw" that i wasn't able to utter substantial words except for "hello idol, you're my sister-in-law's cousin" and he answered back "how is she." i should have told him "i'd like to assist in one of your shoots" but no regrets since that won't be the last time to have an opportunity to talk to him - that's for sure. this is optimism 101!

half and a quarter

over the past three months in the state of half-loneliness, half-happiness and a half of uncertainties...i figured out last night the quarter that's missing. it's the half-bitter and half-sweet taste of alcohol that i used to half-love and half-hate. it's been a while since the last time i spend the night 'til early morning with my former officemates.

at shutter's speed

in every decision that we take, it gives us life-long possibilities on what will happen next. it may take effect tomorrow, the days to come or in years.

when we are trying so hard at some things, we can't avoid not to be pathetically excited or worried for the result. and our indecisiveness would certainly kill us.

i'm adapting the way to be more optimistic but i just can't find the easiest route to feel certainty. if i can turn back time, i'd rather take the same road because that same direction will lead me to the things that i am currently experiencing. i'll feel better that when i come back, i already know my way out.

in low res

oh well.

economics and reincarnation

and i am still trying to devise a way to make my 9-day vacation productive. i already did some catching-up with old friends in the past three days. already walked 3.5 kilometers for a cause which i'm not sure if it is really something that i should be proud of. then i've been walking until yesterday.

i wanted to grow my hair again, after i decided to be bald a month ago, so i decided to have a side haircut last night. i want my hair back!!!

-----

because i am avoiding the sunlight, i decided to just stay at home today and washed my own clothes instead -- and i missed doing this. maybe i was a labandero in my past life. and maybe i'll have a bright future as a househelper. i'll specialize on gardening, laundry and dishwashing. if i am a househelper, would i still think about resigning? would i also shift interest like venture into mopping or babysitting? the future is so uncertain for me to be worried. i am now dwelling into the ifs of my decisions.

27th on the 30th

if seven (7) is indeed a lucky number, then I will be a one lucky guy on my next step. this time it's closer.

ikot (turn)

minsan nga naman masayang sakyan ang inconsistencies ng buhay. may mga bagay tayong pinipilit gustuhin, may mga bagay na pilit nating hinahanap pero nakakatuwa na may mga bagay na gusto pa din natin ng ganun na lang.

minsan gusto nating magmadali, at pag mabilis ang takbo ng buhay, gusto naman nating patigilin.

minsan, mas maayos daw na planuhin ang mga bagay bago natin ito gawin pero kahit gaano mo man katagal paghandaan ang isang bagay, may mga bagay pa din na sadyang lilitaw na pwedeng ikasira o lalong ikabubuti ng iyong mga plano.

minsan bata lang tayo. nasabi mo na siguro na gusto mong maging manggagamot o guro.

minsan estudyante lang tayo na pilit gumagawa ng paraan upang makapagtapos.

minsan pagkatapos mong mag-aral, nasabi mo na siguro na kailangang maging ganito ako.

at dahil inconsistent ang buhay, minsan masaya ka na lang ng ganun na lang. na kung may magbabago man, minsan ayus lang.

lunchtime pop-ups

i had a great weekend with kids. 'twas an experience that i'm looking forward on doing again. i don't know if everything else could be positive.

to you - you know how much i care and you know what i feel for you. let's hope for better days ahead. you can talk to me anytime you wish basta gising lang ako.

to mmc - i am grateful for always including me in your posts. i hope we could fix our schedule soon so that we can talk again. talk on our heartbreaks, moving on and a little bit about work. i miss you like crazy.haha blogging and texting became an alternative tools for us to convey our messages and sort of update on what's happening to us. antagal na nung march na last natin nag-usap sa gilid ng greenbelt.

on selling myself

I look at things in a different way…deviation is spectacular
I am imaginative…and life goes round and round
My mind is restless. I want to explore the creative side of every situation.
I want to bring out the emotion in every moment
The melodrama…
Contentment…
Triumph…
Innocence…
And happiness in children’s eyes
I want to capture not just what is visible but what is hidden
I am passionate with photography
I am passionate with making people smile
And because I want to make a story in every images
I want to be a part of a creative pool of artists who knows no borders…
who can defy conventions
I want to share my passion and skill
I want a greater challenge. I want to make a difference.
I am ready for a creative battle.

upsized

today is somehow productive. i was able to end the workday without feeling bored or sleepy. work is just ok but life in general is happier. i am acting a little weird since yesterday because i smile periodically but this weirdness is not weird.haha

"dying inside to hold you" has been playing in my mind since this morning. maybe it won't end playing until i sleep later.haha

hollywood sweetheart on pencil

reese witherspoon on charcoal pencil. this picture was inspired by the just like heaven pdvd cover. drawn october 2006 while typhoon milenyo was destroying lives and properties in the southern luzon area. shading taught by krt with support from scarereyes.

on being a political animal

yesterday, somebody asked my political ideology and orientation. i was thinking about an answer so i yahooed (coz i didn't use the google search tool engine) the word ideology for a refresher. ideology seems to have a wide meaning and interpretation so i tried to devise my own way on answering it. then i remembered that i wrote a position paper back in 4th year during my posc 14 class(filipino politics) about something like a theoretical discourse on power, politics etc. and to my amazement i chuckled. reading back your college papers is funny and it's pretty obvious that those ideas and ideals are slowly tarnishing. i guess this is another issue of conformity.

after brainstorming, i was able to come up with this political ideology. i know this is hilarious and it sounds like an answer from a beauty pageant (according to krt) but at the very least i hope this makes sense.hahaha

"As a political thinker, I strongly believe that the Philippines thrive in a half-illed democracy. We have choices at some point but it doesn't guarrantee that we can always participate at decision-making. Though democracy is centered on the idea that it is the rule of the many, it is the other way around in the Philippine democracy. It's the rule of the few instead. Those who possess the "name," power and resources are the class that dominates. There's the class that rules and the class being ruled."

and i thank you.haha i hope this so called "ideology" won't ruin my future. so help me God.

static

we always have choices to escape but in spite of these options, we still remain to be trapped and just stay.

i was some kind of hyper-perky yesterday as a result of a major puyatan with an idol; and that puyat was a big help. when you know someone would listen to your frustrations and when times that you also need to listen to other people's stories, you'll realize that there's no reason to hide your fears. you can cry and laugh that will mold you as an authentic human being.

i went to baclaran after work. it's been two months since the last time i went to that place wherein i was present for like twice in a week in six months -- for a release. i missed the church's dim lights, people crying for their petitions which is making me a bit sad and fulfilled.

i wanted to close the night crying but i just can't do it. maybe i should try acting lessons, workshop on releasing pail of tears etc. i don't know if my loneliness is self inflicted. now i'm wondering maybe happiness' sequel is loneliness on a higher amplitude.

bday blogging

state of happiness means lack of words to say. i may be tired from the 12-hour travel yesterday. i wish myself a happy birthday and thanks to all the friends who've extended their greetings through text and phone calls. i don't know know what to write now.

22 winks

'coz I can’t be that transparent now that’s why. It may be liberating for you and I’m fine with it. I wish I could recover from these lungkot days. I’ll be home (the real home in cagayan) on Thursday to Sunday for a meeting. And the rest of the story will follow. Apparently, my birthday month became a travel month. From Mindoro to Manila to Baguio to Manila to Tuguegarao and back to Manila on the 31st.

halt

march has officially started last weekend. this is my birthday month and i'll be turning 22 twenty four days when we count from this day.

i was on a short rest since monday and work will resume next week. it's been 6th months since the last time last time i was on vacation. i'm going to have a new career (in a new industry) on the 10th. this is supposed to be a better opportunity as i'm gonna feel the convenience of working just around 3 streets away from home and it will take me only about 5 minute-walk to go there. waking up at 7:30 in the morning won't be a problem now. i'm also going to miss riding in a public transpo as my feet means transportation this time. how i missed working in makati and i'm back!

i guess hopping stops for a year or two. i'll do whatever i can 'cause i dont wanna be a record holder.

bumbleboy

And I’m gonna sit down in front of my computer for the whole workday because nobody will be left at our department. I was exempted from the field work so I was a sort of a caretaker-customer-care-for-a-day. Good thing about working in this new company is that we don’t have a strict IT people so you can do almost anything you want and click anything you want…work with pleasure…I mean multitask.

I checked some blogs, blogs that are linked from a friends blog. Blogs that has been linked through a friend’s friend’s blog and there it goes. The very best thing to do when you’re bored is to read other people’s rants and ideas to reaffirm yourself that the world is still a happy place to live in. But another worry that concerns me now is “when am I gonna change.” But according to Ms. M, “walang timeline ang pagbabago” (her response to her previous 90-day project).

So it may take some time for me to become more responsible. When shall i realize what career to pursue in this world full of opportunities? (sabi kasi ng isang dating ka-course [nung BS Economics pa ako] ng makasakay ko sya sa MRT nung November ‘07 na“it takes seven jobs before we fully know what career we want to pursue.” I just can’t reconcile my passion, skills and whatever practical reasons that I should know or be reminded of.

Gayahin natin ang sinasabi/ginagawa ng narrator ng radio drama bago matapos ang show.

“Lilipat na naman ba ng trabaho si Lonely boy?”

“Saan naman kaya sya lilipat?”

“Kelan pa kaya sya magtatagal sa isang trabaho ”

So ayun na. Decode my message.

post pose

and i thought this is the best form of release (aside from smoking) to beat the usual stressful field work. i miss school. i miss myself. i miss taking pictures. i miss sociologizing. i miss uplb but i love the old manila.





























































































model and photographer: avery of jobhopper's/lonely circle
clothing: model's own
lens: samsung e250 vga camera
location: manila central post office building, lawton, manila
date: february 19, 2008 between 5:30-6:10 pm

smoked

my temper took over me again...oops.

no work tomorrow 'coz its parañaque day and that means i won't be late for american idol.

and i'm in yufielvi on friday for the up fair...a time to meet some old college friends, orgmates and other alumni. i wanna scream my heart out!

...am i in a hurry?

bent

i'm not sure if sharing something that happened to me over the past 14 months would make people think that i'm stupid or something else. someone that's going nowhere and blah blah.

it's tiring to know that some people are always great to pull other people down...and pull down some vigor, trying to get you out from the utopia or the worst thing is to slap you with words that would make you even more confused until its drowns you into a high level of uncertainty.

i always gamble. in fact i am sometimes impulsive when it comes to decision making. i also expect a lot and it just makes me frustrated. i'm trying to correct a lot of things, making me as my self's greatest villain.

i definitely need to bring myself somewhere... soon.

------------------

i had the result of my pre-employment medical exam last thursday and i was classified as an obese class A. i'm not an uberbigboy but i'm 22 pounds more than the should-be weight of a boy 5'7 in height. i'm sure this was the result of the holidays and my unrelenting desire to eat whatever i want. being stuck in a former workplace in which you can't find the best or a least a good person to talk to is also depressing. i preferred to eat rather than waste my energy to them for a conversation that is going nowhere.

i need to get some apples before i find myself in a 36+ inches pants.

this + sign means everything

some things that happened today...

1. i was able to come to work today 37 minutes earlier than the usual on time attendance. 7:53: i set my new punctuality record.

2. i've found out that my hsbc credit card application was declined and i was advised that i can re-apply after 6 months. poor boy...i've already listed all the things that i can swipepurchase once that card is granted.

3. i officially made an announcement to most of my officemates that i'll be leaving on january31 for a better opportunity. there's a feeling of sadness that i won't be seeing my office friends on a 5-day-in-a-week basis but i'll be just transferring to a company that is two pedestrian lanes away from the current. i can still see them after office hours.

4. on my way home, my former teammate and i (from caall center) happened to be in the same bus. i didn't see her for over 6 months now and it's just a great feeling to see a person again who've been so nice and thoughtful to me when we were still working together.

5. and i was overwhelmed with the great things that happened in the last 6 days. whether it may be good or bad but i still learned to appreciate everything. i took some risk and it became a way for me to know what i really feel and how am i going to let it pass. it sounds weird, awkward and crazy and i don't know. i know things happen for a reason...good or bad but things always happen with a purpose.
-

stationary

pagkatapos ng dalawang araw na hindi pagpasok dahil nagkasakit ako, ngayon ko lang napahalagahan ang kinikita kong pera. naubos agad ang sinuweldo ko dahil sa ospital, check-up, gamot atbp.

salamat na din sa mga kaganapang ito dahi natapos na ang "emotional turmoil" na nararanasan ko - sa mas mababaw na salita...depresyon.

salamat kay paolo coelho na pakalat-kalat sa bahay. napagkamalan ko pa tuloy na self-help ang libro nya. ang labo, e di naman self-help yun.

bukas papasok na ako. at least medyo mas positibo na ako sa buhay ngayon. medyo hindi maganda ang pasok ng taon sa akin pero hindi naman siguro ito nangagahulugang pangit na ang buong taon para sa akin. ibabaon ko na ang nga hindi magandang nangyari sa mga nakaraang araw mamaya bago ako matulog. ang umasa ay hindi kapareho ng may pag-asa. pero may pag-asa.

eto na ang opisyal na pagbati ko sa inyo ng Happy New Year!

--sa lahat ng mga kaibigan kong nagtatrabaho, sana maging mas maganda ang taon na ito para sa trabaho nyo.

--sa ibang kaibigan ko na nawalan ng trabaho, naghahanap o nag-iisip pa lang ng gustong maging trabaho, makakahanap kayo ng para sa inyo.

--sa mga nawawalan ng pag-asa sa buhay, nalulungkot dahil parang walang pinatutunguhan ang ginagawa, konting pasensya lang at positibong pagharap sa buhay...isang araw ngingiti ka na lang at sasabihin mong masarap palang anihin ang pinaghirapan.

salamat sa lahat.

Happy New Year, medyo late nga lang na pagbati pero ngayon ko pa lang kasi sisimulan ang taon na kasama ang positibong disposiyon sa buhay.

if you thought you're great...think again

my problem is not just about being awkward but about looking at the bigger scope of whatever plans i am doing right now. it's not about loving pessimism or welcoming frustrations but trying to shape the future ahead of me...and we can't trust all the people around us. welcome 2008...can you love me?